I do not have my life even close to all together. Sometimes I actually start to feel like I do, like everything is perfectly in balance, but without fail that feeling proves temporary time and again. I am struggling with who I am as a student, what I want from my education, how hard I have to work to get there, and what my priorities are. I am a nineteen year old thrust into the real world, and sometimes I cannot handle it. Sometimes I botch an exam. Sometimes I miss a deadline. Sometimes I spend eleven hours on a paper I thought I could nail down in two or three. I get it in my head that I can manage my time perfectly, that I have everything under control, but the truth is I am a mess, and I am still struggling to find my even pace at Furman. I am afraid of losing my scholarship. I am afraid of disappointing my family. I am afraid of embarrassing my friends. I am afraid of failing myself. I am scared of life.

And most importantly, sometimes I forget that I am not alone in that.

This isn’t meant to be a discouraging post. I know it started out like one, but I am here to explain that there is actually an immense amount of beauty in the breakdown. I believe that I learn more from my failures than I do from my successes. I try to have my bad exam grades, when they happen, serve as reminders that the only place success comes before work is in the dictionary (I stole that from a friend, I am afraid I can’t take credit for that one). I try to remember that when I doubt why I am at Furman or what I want to major in that I am young, and that God is giving me the singular opportunity to figure it all out in a place I love surrounded by people who keep me going, even in my darkest hours. It is okay to admit that you have taken on too much (I have). It is okay to admit that you are struggling with a class or two (I am). It’s okay to admit you are unsure of what you want to do in the future (I am). There will be people to support you in the meantime, and lessons to learn from in the time when the panic subsides and the successes start to roll in again.

Keep your chin up, it gets better from here. Like they say, everything will be okay in the end– if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

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